Time to Set Sail from Someday Isle

For those of us interested in self improvement...

How many blogs do you read on becoming better at whatever you do?

How many leadership and motivational books have you read? Podcasts listened to?

Would you say that you do these things because you aspire to excellence in your personal and work life? (And, if you currently aren't doing these things, give them a try, maybe get hooked, and remember my challenge here!)

When is enough enough? At what point do you stop ASPIRING and start APPLYING with the goal of ACHIEVING?

When is it time to leave “Someday Isle” (as Jim Rohn puts it)?

All of the reading you do (yes, even this blog) is meant to prime your pump of creativity, give you passion for doing good, encourage you to lead like a servant, fire your desire to inspire, and be the change you wish to see in the world. So, my question: when are you going to get moving?

I must admit, I fall into this trap, too. Sure, things I read and hear may sink in through osmosis and pop out in my thinking or my conversations once in awhile, but really synthesizing and applying takes work, and sometimes, I just don’t wanna do it.

The other day, I finished reading The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy. It’s a great book, and I recommend it. The premise: little changes over time will compound into a BIG difference for you. Hardy challenges his readers with action steps at the end of each chapter. He point-blank asked his readers to apply his ideas! Of all the nerve!

Well, I am applying some of his ideas. There is a lot there and it will take some time, but I think I actually am going to like this. I’m achieving small things, and the sum total effect feels great.

So what about you? At what point do you know enough to cross over from aspiration to achievement? Why not jump in and swim away from “Someday Isle?” The water’s fine!

Accident or Design

It occurs to me that our days tend to unfold in one of two ways: by accident or by design.

This struck me after looking back on a recent summer weekday and realizing I had done nothing but float around the house like a half-filled helium balloon: doing a chore here, playing with the kids there, checking email every 20 minutes, thinking about work with no particular purpose in mind, reading a little.

Wow. In the grand scheme of things, I thought, I have done nothing to add value to my life today, and it was by accident. I wasn't intentional. I just existed.

Don't get me wrong, this kind of living has its place. Occasionally, and on purpose. Making a choice to "decompress" or "disconnect" can be a good mental break. But when there exists no purpose to what we do, we have no purpose.

I like to make lists. Lists keep me honest and directed. My usual routine is to make a list in the morning for my day. However, in an effort to quell the recent malaise that has beset me, the teacher in summertime, I recently began writing out to-do lists for the next day as I sit enjoying Netflix in the evening. This little shift has set up my tomorrows much more successfully. I wake up with intention (today it was to start at 5:30 AM with a 30 mile bike ride), and move on to other goals (like writing this post). No floating unless I designed part of my day that way.

Ultimately, we have control over ourselves. That's it. Small steps like setting a few little goals and intentionally designing tomorrow to move ourselves closer to those goals will lead to bigger and bigger things. Avoid accidents with better design.

Talk Positive to Me!

If I'm not careful, I can be a pretty negative talker. I can get down on the person I talk to the most, and can be a brutally negative force in his life. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true.

And that person is me. All of us carry on more conversations with ourselves than with any other person. Of all the continual banter going on between the ears, a good portion of it can be quite negative.

• I'm not going to do well...
• I'm not ready for...
• I'm too this or I'm too that.
• I can't....
• This is too hard...
• I don't want...

A student who does well in her classes and studies hard for a big test may walk into the classroom on test day saying things like "I hope I do well. I'm not a good test taker." Or "I don't want to bomb this too badly!" That negative self talk programs the mind to go in the opposite direction of the desired result. Of course she wants to do well! In an attempt to lower expectations in her mind to cushion the blow of a possible lower grade, she is opening the door to poor performance. Instead, walking into the classroom with an attitude of "I got this!" leaves no room for negativity.

On the golf course, a golfer tees up the ball and promptly hooks it into the lake. Walking back the the cart he exclaims loudly, "I knew I was going to do that!" (In the interest of full disclosure, I have done AND said this a few times over the years...) Well goodness. If he knew he was going to do it while standing over the ball, why didn't he back away, set his mind on the positive thought of hitting it down the middle of the fairway, and let it rip? I can attest that clearing negative self talk usually works in this case!

To go one step further, imagine all your negative self talk and doubt projected externally to other people. Yuck! Why do you think it is that we can be so outwardly positive but so inwardly negative?
 
Keep your head full of positive information and positive messages. It takes work, but keep your noggin full of ideas from positive and motivating people. As Zig Ziglar was fond of saying, you are who you are and where you are because of what you've put into your head.

Read good books, read the Bible, find inspiration and keep the negative self talk at bay. in doing this, you will be able to more easily recognize then repell negative self talk when it creeps into your head.

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Digging for the Good

Andrew Carnegie was one of the richest men in the world at the beginning of the 20th century. He made his millions with keen business acumen and a sharp eye for developing the skill and effectiveness of the people around him. In fact, at one point, he had 43 millionaires working for his companies -- an unheard of occurrence back then. Depending on what index you look at, one million dollars in 1910 is the equivalent of between $25,000,000 (using the consumer price index) and $481,000,000 (as a percent of the US gross domestic product)!

Carnegie was once asked by reporter how he managed to hire 43 millionaires. He responded that none of them were millionaires when he hired them but observed that, "You develop millionaires the way you mine gold. You expect to move tons of dirt to find an ounce of gold, but you don't go into the mine looking for the dirt—you go in looking for the gold."

How often have we seen the "dirt" in other people and assumed that was all there was? How often do we stop digging and move on? Strip mining for gold creates holes in the earth thousands of feet wide and hundreds of feet deep using equipment larger than houses. Our personal gold digging landscape may look only like a sea of gopher holes in the grass.

The difference between the holes is belief. Gold miners dig broad and deep because they know gold is there. If it's easy to see potential gold in someone, we tend to dig deeper too. However, look for the gold in everyone, and not just the easy-to-see stuff. Invest and get digging!

 

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What Will Be Your Legacy?

Legacy: [LEG-uh-see] anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor.

I am about half way through my career as a music educator. The school year is about to begin, and I am reflecting more this year upon where I have been and where I am going. In a previous post I waxed nostalgic about turning 40, and wrote about my optimism for what lies ahead. But what WILL lie ahead? How will I shape it? Who and what will shape me? No matter your age or profession, these are deep and important questions to ponder.

We are the sum of our experiences, and the resulting wisdom of that tally influences the choices we make today. I can't help but think that if I can approach each day as another opportunity to build my own personal legacy, I will be a better person.  

Legacies take many shapes and come in many different flavors. An elderly woman may leave behind a legacy of inspiring work for the poor upon her passing (Mother Teresa). An elderly man may leave behind a strong, principled family that goes on to dominate a country's political life (Joseph Kennedy). A misguided egomaniac can leave a path of death and destruction for millions of people who do not share his beliefs (Hitler, Mao, Pol Pot, Slobodan Milosovic.) A math teacher in Lincoln, Nebraska can ignite generations of young minds to love math and the discipline it brings the mind (my wife's teaching icon, Mrs. Penner).

There are any number of people in your own sphere of awareness (living or not) whose life legacy resonates in yours. Further, your existence not only has the ability to leave a legacy, but WILL leave a legacy for others (if it hasn't already!)

Every decision you have made and will make continues your personal legacy design process. If you're not happy with your progress or how it might look right now, there is time to change it! Unfortunately, however, we don't know how much time we have until our life's legacy project will come due. Avoiding procrastination in legacy building is in all our best interests!

Care for the Caretakers

Did you know that many times one of the dirtiest parts of the kitchen is the sink? Seems counterintuitive, doesn't it; the place where the cups, plates, silverware and pans are washed is sometimes the dirtiest.

However, after finishing the pots and pans, we often pull the drain plug and walk away. Residue is left behind that we may not see. After a few days of repeating the same cycle, there might be some light stains on the steel of the sink or a little discoloration on the porcelain.

The sink has done its job, but in the process, it got dirty and we didn't notice right away. Effort by an outside force must be made to clean the sink after it has done its job.

All this ran through my head as I did dishes today. This summer, the high school band that I teach lost two students. One, a 2012 graduate, in a tragic accident and one, a junior to be, to a suicide. It has been tough for students, parents and teachers. Very tough.

In my role as a teacher, I try my hardest to be there for my students in good times and in bad. I believe this is just as important to them (and me) as effectiveness in the classroom. I know I'm not alone. I have surrounded myself with colleagues and friends in the profession who I know do and believe the same thing.

When tragedies occur in our school system, parents and teachers work together to make sure our students make it through the emotional struggle with the help they need. We give our best effort to help our students cope.

Now, here's the parallel between these two seemingly unrelated things... Those in need of care are the "dishes." The caretakers are the "sinks."

Caretakers must be taken care of too. If you are a caretaker, remember you are just as vulnerable, just as emotional, just as human as those whom you care for. Ask for help or accept it when offered. If you know a caretaker, offer encouragement, a shoulder or an ear. It will be appreciated.

 

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No More Going Through the Motions

As I was driving in to work this morning listening to music from the local Christian rock station, Matthew West's song "The Motions" came on. I never heard it before, but it spoke to me immediately.

I want to "be better" in this life for lots of reasons, as I'm sure you do too. This chart from 2009 sums up where I am right now, what I'm thinking, and where I'm hoping to be.

This is my new theme song. See if it speaks you the same way, too.

Matthew West, "The Motions"

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break

At least I'll be feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind 

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions 

I don't wanna go one more day

Without your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way

(Take me all the way)

Take me all the way

(‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions)

Take me all the way

(Lord, I'm finally feeling something real)

Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way

(Take me all the way)

Take me all the way

(I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)

Take me all the way

(Through the motions)

Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

How Guilt Can Zap Your Desire to Be Better (And What to Do About It)

I've wrestled lately with what I've noticed is a distracting and potentially debilitating side effect of the desire to become a better person, parent, spouse, son or daughter, mentor, teacher, colleague, friend, blogger, etc.: guilt.

I believe the feeling of guilt is derived from the lack of clarity of our life's priorities. How we can work on one part of our life while maintaining balance in another demands clarity of purpose and direction. The deeper we dip into becoming better at living intentionally, the more important the need for this clarity becomes. Without clarity, we begin to wonder if our internal GPS will take us to the right place, and doubt can lead to guilt that another potentially more important part of our life is being neglected.

We all have this issue bouncing around in our heads from time to time, and I believe it's a healthy side effect of living intentionally – as long as we realize that this feeling should be addressed as soon as possible. Constant reflection upon our priorities and how we act upon them is vital and necessary. After all, small corrections in our course over time will get us to where we want to go.

Keeping the most important priorities in the forefront of our daily journey is vital to reducing the guilt that flows from self-doubt.

The parable below has been a part of my thinking on this subject for a long time. I am not sure where I first read it or heard it told, but it illustrates the point I am trying to make here well.

One day, an old professor of the School of Public Management in France, was invited to lecture on the topic of “Efficient Time Management” in front of a group of 15 executive managers representing the largest, most successful companies in America. The lecture was one in a series of 5 lectures conducted in one day, and the old professor was given 1 hr to lecture. 

Standing in front of this group of elite managers, who were willing to write down every word that would come out of the famous professor’s mouth, the professor slowly met eyes with each manager, one by one, and finally said, “we are going to conduct an experiment”. 

From under the table that stood between the professor and the listeners, the professor pulled out a big glass jar and gently placed it in front of him. Next, he pulled out from under the table a bag of stones, each the size of a tennis ball, and placed the stones one by one in the jar. He did so until there was no room to add another stone in the jar. Lifting his gaze to the managers, the professor asked, “Is the jar full?” The managers replied, “Yes”. 

The professor paused for a moment, and replied, “Really?” 

Once again, he reached under the table and pulled out a bag full of pebbles. Carefully, the professor poured the pebbles in and slightly rattled the jar, allowing the pebbles to slip through the larger stones, until they settled at the bottom. Again, the professor lifted his gaze to his audience and asked, “Is the jar full?” 

At this point, the managers began to understand his intentions. One replied, “apparently not!” 

“Correct”, replied the old professor, now pulling out a bag of sand from under the table. 

Cautiously, the professor poured the sand into the jar. The sand filled up the spaces between the stones and the pebbles. 

Yet again, the professor asked, “Is the jar full?”  

Without hesitation, the entire group of students replied in unison, “NO!” 

“Correct”, replied the professor. And as was expected by the students, the professor reached for the pitcher of water that was on the table, and poured water in the jar until it was absolutely full. The professor now lifted his gaze once again and asked, “What great truth can we surmise from this experiment?” 

With his thoughts on the lecture topic, one manager quickly replied, “We learn that as full as our schedules may appear, if we only increase our effort, it is always possible to add more meetings and tasks.” 

“No”, replied the professor. The great truth that we can conclude from this experiment is:
If we don’t put all the larger stones in the jar first, we will never be able to fit all of them later.
The auditorium fell silent, as every manager processed the significance of the professor’s words in their entirety. 

The old professor continued, “What are the large stones in your life? Health? Family? Friends? Your goals? Doing what you love? Fighting for a Cause? Taking time for yourself?” 

What we must remember is that it is most important to include the lager stones in our lives, because if we don’t do so, we are likely to miss out on life altogether. If we give priority to the smaller things in life (pebbles & sand), our lives will be filled up with less important things, leaving little or no time for the things in our lives that are most important to us. Because of this, never forget to ask yourself, 

What are the Large Stones in your Life? 

And once you identify them, be sure to put them first in your “Jar of Life”. 

With a warm wave of his hand, the professor bid farewell to the managers, and slowly walked out of the room.

Take care of the large stones first – the things that REALLY matter. Set your priorities. The rest are just pebbles and sand. If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there will be no room left for the stones.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for things that are truly most important.

Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Take time to play with your children. Take your partner out for dinner. Take time to have a chat with your loved ones. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house and give a dinner party.

Sometimes the less important things in life can distract us, filling up our time and keeping us away from what really matters. I encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself, is your jar of life full of sand & pebbles or is it filled with large stones?

A Personal Look at Turning 40

So I recently turned 40. Like most middle age birthdays that end in a zero, this one got me thinking about life and how I'm living it.

I really don't feel different... my warranty period still seems to be in effect: parts and pieces are still working well enough, thank you very much. No, what is different this time around is what is happening between my ears.

I've been reading more, thanks to a growing interest in personal development fed by book and blog reading, writing, Twitter, Facebook, and friends. This perspective is a great thing, since milestones like a 40^th birthday take on new meaning when viewed through the lens of life's journey.

The average life expectancy in the United States is 77.97 years. By my calculations, I am about half way through my tour on planet earth. A lot has happened since my birth, of course, all of which has led me to where I am now. You are in the same boat, too. We are all a sum of our experiences and choices.

As I look ahead to the next 40 years, I am excited! When I think back on my life thus far, 40 years is a long time. A good chunk of it was spent just getting up to full speed in life and learning about living better.

Now that I'm moving rapidly down the road (passing milestones along the way), I have a better idea of what I want for me and those whom I love, I have many positive relationships in place, and I have a clear(ish) vision for my future. The pieces are in place! Time to ramp up and soar!   

You Could Be Your Own Worst Enemy

What is your performance potential? I'm guessing it's greater than you think. The bigger question you should ask yourself is “How much less can I interfere with my potential for greatness?”

Every day in my music classroom I work with highly talented teenagers. These young people have huge amounts of performance potential. Most have one or more of the following that contribute to their potential: natural ability, high levels of intelligence, desire and/or work ethic. The same holds true for the adults that I associate with at school and in my private life.

However, I think you'll agree that the percentage of people (and I count myself in this group) who fall short of consistently reaching their full potential is much closer to 100 than 0.

What gets in the way of fully realizing our potential? I argue that it is our inner conversation that interferes with doing our absolute best. We talk to ourselves thousands of times per day. Among all the mundane self-chatter is self-talk that either elevates or deflates us.

Deflating self talk like “I'm not good enough,” “I am not ready,” “I will make a mistake,” or “I am afraid of what others will think of me” robs us of our true potential.

In the mid 1940's Claude Bristol referred to the incredible power of positive self-talk in his book “The Magic of Believing.” Modern day “success coach” Tony Robbins teaches the positive power of what he calls “incantations” to change your life. Further, Dr. John Izzo writes about the concept of minimizing negative self influence in his most recent book “The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die.”

Years ago, I read “The Inner Game of Music” by Timothy Gallway. In it, he outlines an equation that has stuck with me and that I continue to use with students today:

Po-I=Pe

This equation sums up this blog post rather nicely. Our potential (Po) minus our self-interference (I) equals our performance (Pe). The closer we can move “I” to zero, the greater our performance will be. Further, if you were able to overwhelm negative self-interference with positive self talk, your performance could conceivably supersede your potential!

This will take an intentional effort and much practice, but on the quest to be a better person, it will be well worth it!

Are You An Energy Sucker?

Are you an energy giver or taker?

I had my hair cut today. Rather than wait for the stylist to start conversation like usual, I began with a simple "how are you today?" What ensued was a 15 minute discussion detailing much of what was wrong in her life at present: two family members in the hospital, a manager that treats his employees poorly, and a slow work day were just some of the highlights. I wanted to leave.

I believe we can sense when we are with someone who is environmentally energizing or someone who is de-energizing. We are naturally attracted to people who are vivacious, bubbly, engaging, smart, interested and giving. Similarly, if we ARE those people, others are drawn to us.

Think about a bank. At its simplest, you walk up to teller and either make a withdrawal or a deposit. Challenge yourself to move throughout your day conscious of whether you're withdrawing or depositing into the emotional and energy banks of people around you. And just like investing, the returns usually take time to be realized.

In my afternoon high school concert band rehearsals lately, I prod my students -- many of whom have sat passively in other classes for a good part of the day -- to use their instruments to send vibrant sound energy and personality into the room. I tell them that they are either adding or subtracting to the environment, so work to add positively to the room. My request has yet to fail in creating a better sound and better results!

So it is with emotional energy as well. You have the choice. Make the investment and choose wisely!

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Live With Integrity: Trust Your Gut

I've learned that to ignore the still, small voice -- of logic, conscience, or whatever you may call it -- inside of me is a Bad idea. Too many times have I pretended that a decision that I made was the right one when all along my gut was telling me otherwise.

Moreover, marginalizing that still, small voice and delaying a decision is usually just as difficult as making the wrong decision. In my career as an educator, I have procrastinated making a phone call or sending an email because the results could be painful. If only I could bottle the feeling of relief after resolving conflict. That would indeed be a valuable and potent elixir. One swig would remind me that to take care of a problem quickly and with integrity is nothing to fear.

My "gut" and I had our first professional "run-in" about 15 years ago. I was running a university summer music camp that had clearly defined rules and regulations that governed student behavior. During the first night of the week-long camp, two campers chose to break the rules. The following morning, it was my responsibility to call their parents and tell them to return to the university, pick them up, and take them home without the refund of several hundred dollars each. The plot thickened, as one of these two was the daughter of a university regent. For the sake of the other campers, I took swift and decisive action and trusted my gut. Luckily, the result was anything but painful. The parents understood, the campers went home, and my sense of relief is still memorable.

Some of us deal with important and difficult decisions every day in our profession. If not there, our personal lives are full of decisions that need us to be honest and forthright because they can -- and do -- affect other people.

What I found over time, though, is that confronting a decision and trusting my still, small voice has resulted in better outcomes than I could hope for.

Whether or not a decision was ultimately right or wrong, if I have made it based on integrity and/or my best intentions, I know that I will be more comfortable with dealing with any possible, difficult aftermath -- I have moral ground upon which to stand.

What is your still, small voice saying to you? Trust it.

 

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Share, Share and Share Some More!

I was just recently thinking... Why keep what I learn from personal development books, blogs, articles and quotes to myself in the workplace? While it's true I post things on Twitter and Facebook quite a bit, and have found a lot to both read now and save for the future, there is a whole community of students and educators (in my case) that are not a part of my little connected universe.

If the information I come across is interesting or important to me, there's a better than even chance that those with whom I work and are in my “in person” circle will find value in it too.

The director of my church choir pauses about 2/3 the way through most rehearsals and reads to the group. Sometimes it's from the Bible, other times it's from a text that reflects the season of the church year. A choir rehearsal suddenly becomes more than a music practice. We pause to listen and reflect on a common theme and are drawn together by the importance of the purpose our music serves.

Why not do this in a meeting? A classroom? With an email? Perhaps on a break from business we can shift gears and share a thought or two that has come from some of our recent learning and reading. Could that be a better use our influence in a conference room, classroom or boardroom to transcend what we currently do?

I've been sharing more on Facebook lately as well as Twitter. Each place has different kinds of connections for me. Twitter is a place where I am connected to thinkers, educators and leadership pros. Facebook is where family, friends, colleagues and former and present students are. Two different audiences, yes, but both can (and do) express thanks for an occasional item I find and post. Your connections anywhere can benefit by what you are learning.

As online, the worst thing that could happen to you by sharing what you're learning in person is that you're ignored. No problem, though. Through even my limited experience I have found that “putting it out there” is far and away better than not. The chances of someone being enlightened by something you've not shared is zero anyway!

If you have it (and you probably do if you're reading this), your fire to learn and be better was kindled sometime in the past. Perhaps you don't recall when it was that you became interested in personal development. What could be the chances that a three minute summary of what you've read recently at your next sales meeting be the presentation that lights a fire in someone else to learn more about being better people and professionals?

There are side benefits, too. If this becomes part of your culture in the workplace, you'll read even more so you can share even more. Further, digesting and processing what you're reading so that you can “teach others” means you'll store the information differently in your head and retain it better.

When done with planning and intentionality – on purpose, on point and sincere – you may very well be surprised at the results!  

Being Out of the Box, Part 3

As we close the "miniseries" on the great work by the Arbinger Institute, the thoughts below detail how we can stay out of the box and help to invite positive change in others.

Our way of being rules over all.

What do we mean by "way of being"? In fact, it means the way of being with others, the way we are in relationship. Human beings are social beings, and we know ourselves in comparison with and through the eyes of others. Our "self-image" is really a "self-image-in-relationship-with-others."

As I've pointed out in a prevoius post, there are two ways of seeing others: as persons (out of the box), or as objects (in the box).

• As persons: we see people as persons when we recognize their uniqueness just like ours, with their flaws and qualities, just like ours, with desires, hopes, doubts and concerns, just like ours - in short, when we acknowledge all the richness of their humanity.
• As objects: we see people as objects when we "de-personalize" them, for example when we reduce them to a category (an American, an Arab, a Rich), to a role (a Customer, a Clerk, a Politician), or just to a quality (a Jerk, a Snob, an Inconsiderate Neighbor). There are three ways of seeing a person as object: as an obstacle ("my Needy Husband is making my life a burden!"), as a vehicle ("this Client will hopefully sign the contract and make me rich."), or as an irrelevancy ("I never bothered talking to this Idiot...").

Staying out of the box

If you think about it, you are most likely not "in the box" with everyone you know. Probably one of the most effective ways to climb out of the box is to reflect on how you relate to people you know you appreciate and see as people, and try hard to transfer that mindset to others that you struggle with. Continually being aware of how you interact with people is key.

I recently had separate discussions with two students who were at odds with each other... it happens in the band room from time to time. I asked each how they thought the other perceived them. After getting some good honest answers (not nice, overbearing, inconsiderate), I asked if those adjectives were accurate to how they thought of themselves. Of course, the answer was no. We then briefly discussed why the other would think the way they do. It was a round-about way of showing them that they were in the box toward each other.

After we identified issues of conflict, I asked each to list some qualities about the other that they admired. Each was again honest (hard working, generous, funny). To tie things up, I challenged each student to think of those things they admired about the other during future interactions. When I follow up soon, hopefully, there will be some positive movement in their relationship!

Inviting change in others

If we think about it, we cannot make people change; we can only invite them to change. They decide, in the end, whether they accept the invitation.

We focus on "correcting what's wrong"...

Dealing with what is going wrong is to focus on the problem we see in others - it means correcting, criticizing, fixing, disciplining, punishing, etc. Does it often work when you tell someone he should be different? Have you often changed after someone told you how wrong you were?

 

Sometimes yes, you might say. But it's likely that most of the time, it doesn't work. What to do then? Well in my experience, we tend to keep trying harder, louder, longer, hoping that one day, he will get it!

That's the classic pattern, and that's how conflicts tend to get entrenched.

...And forget to "help things go right"

There is nothing wrong about wanting others to change, but if "dealing with what's going wrong" doesn't work, it is usually because we have been doing it at the expense of helping things go right. As the pyramid diagram shows, in order to invite change, helping things go right is the biggest part of the work. There are several parts to it, and that's where we need to spend most of our time and energy.

In simple terms, it is to say that we have more chance to invite change in someone if we approach her without resentment, if we have built a relationship with her and her friends/family, if we have listened and learnt from her, and if we explain clearly the change we want to invite. Is that really surprising?

If it doesn't work, look deeper

The secret of the Peacemaking Pyramid is that it prompts us to look for solutions to a problem at a deeper level than the one the problem seems to be at. The answer to a problem at one level of the pyramid lies at the level below.

• If my attempts to correct you fail, I need to look at the way I am communicating and explaining what I want - am I being clear? Am I giving a consistent rationale for what I want?
• If my communicating and teaching fail, I need to look at my listening and learning from you. There is little chance you will listen to my teaching if I don't even try to understand your perspective. If your concerns are not included in my understanding of the situation, why would you listen to me?
• Even if I'm open to listen to your concerns, you may not bother share them with me if you don't like or respect me. I then need to focus on building a stronger relationship with you, it's a necessary condition.
• It is possible that my attempts to influence you are unsuccessful not because you are closed, but because you have people with influence around you (parents, friends, co-workers, etc.) pushing you in the other direction. I may need to also build a relationship with people around you, in order to make them part of the change too, or their influence will be too strong for you to swim against the current.
• If you are not receptive to my influence in spite of all the above conditions being met, something more fundamental might be missing. Of course, it can be that you just don't like the change I invite in you. But it can also be that I am not inviting it from a deep desire to help you, in which case you may be defensive against my deeper intentions. I therefore need to look at my "way of being:" do I really come to you with a heart at peace? Let's explore this point in more depth in the following section.

Our "Way of being" colors the world

The first and most fundamental step for helping things go right is to obtain a heart at peace. It is not so much the actions we take that invite war, but the way we are while taking them. The same action can be done from a heart at peace or a heart at war. Inviting the other to change with a heart at war, even if you are right about the thing to change, is likely to provoke a defensive reaction. If the dishes need to be done and you are nagged to do them because you are focused on another task you deem more important, your natural tendency is to eventally do the dishes, but perhaps with resentment. Your heart is at war with the person who nagged.

What determines which way we see someone? Simply, our choice.

I cannot more strongly recommend The Anatomy of Peace to you. When you truly want to dig deeper and work to become a better person, this book will be a wonderful, effective jumping-off point.

 

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Being Out of the Box, Part 2

Choices, choices, choices. Paper or plastic? Left or right? Chocolate or vanilla? Cash or credit? Every day we are confronted with hundreds, if not thousands of choices. Many of them are as inconsequential as choosing to cross our legs when we sit down. Yet others can move us from simply existing to transcending. As Albert Camus once said, "We are the sum of our choices." How true!

As I wrote in the first part of this series, according to the Arbinger Institute's fantastic books The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self Deception, we are "in the box" toward others when we see them as objects in the way of our goals or plans. When we fail to see the humanity in others, we dehumanize (objectify) them, elevating ourselves in importance. In the process, consequently, we dehumanize ourselves as well.

We move into the box when we make a choice that goes against our sense of what is right, just or decent. This is called "Self betrayal." Imagine this scenario for example: you are walking down a busy street in a large city. On the corner ahead, you see a homeless pan handler and feel a momentary twang of pity. Immediately following that twang, however, you think of ways to ignore him, perhaps quickening your pace. As you walk by, you avoid eye contact. You pretend to be busy doing something on your smart phone, or simply look the other way.

How are you seeing that man? As a down and out person who may have had a recently rough life and could use a smile or a hand? No. He has been objectified as something to ignore. This is where the box comes into play. In order for us to feel OK with ignoring the homeless in this example, we betray our natural prediliction to help and begin to justify our behavior... "I'm in a hurry." "I don't have any money to spare." "I don't want to be seen as a soft touch." "Maybe he would attack me." "He would only buy drugs or alcohol with the money!" You see my point.

All of a sudden, though, we have dehumanized him in order to be comfortable with our choice. We had an opportunity to respond to our natural sense of decency, but chose to deny it. In justifying our behavior, we are "in the box" toward him.

To draw a parallel with another book, in Stephen Covey's "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" he relates the following story:

"One day on the subway, while quietly reading a book, I was interrupted by two wild children that got on with their father at a subway stop.

"The children were out of control, jumping up and down, running loudly through the subway car.

"The father seemed not to notice or care that his children were misbehaving and disturbing commuters…

"I approached the father and wanted to scold him for not controlling his children and teaching them respect for others…

The father agreed, and sighed sullenly, saying “yeah, I just don’t know what to do or say to them. We just came from the hospital where their mother died from a random assault….”

Hearing this story immediately changed Stephen’s paradigm of the children and the situation. He went on to explore this and counsel the man who had lost his wife.

When relating to peers in the workplace, students at school, or family members at home, it is important to our effectiveness that we do what we can to avoid seeing others as objects.

How will we be able to do this? Part three in this series will address the suggestions that the Arbinger Institute makes to pull us out of our boxes (and keep us out!)

 

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Others

Around the turn of the last century, William Booth, the Founder of The Salvation Army, then very old, was preparing to send his annual Christmas message to the volunteers of that humanitarian organization around the world. In those days, communication was by telegraph, and you paid for each word that you sent. Booth thought long and hard about what would motivate the Salvationists and encapsulate the mission of the group. Since the Army was short on money, William Booth could only afford to send a one-word telegram to outposts around the world. 

That word was "OTHERS."

We are heading head-long into the Christmas Season. For many people in the developed world, it's a season of spending and gift giving. Commercialism of this season is at an all time high, and it seems as though when we don't think it can get any worse, the next year tops it. (How many of you began your Black Friday Christmas shopping this year on the evening of Thanksgiving Day?)

There is another way of looking at giving during the season of Christmas, of course. On December 25th we celebrate the birth of Jesus, God's Son, and a Man who gave us the ultimate gift: the gift of eternal life through his own death and resurrection. He bore the weight of our sin so that we may enter into the Kingdom of Heaven one day.

Did this gift come at a monetary cost? Of course not. Many times, the best and most meaningful gifts don't cost a penny. Giving to OTHERS our time and talents costs us nothing, yet can be more valuable to the recipient than any piece of technology or shiny bauble.

The beauty of giving of ourselves is that we can do it over and over again and not be any closer to bankruptcy. Quite to the contrary. As long as you have something of value internally to give to another person, you are rich. The more you give, the more you will receive!

I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to volunteer for several years in my teens at a nursing home near where I grew up. I still fondly recall my time helping the residents of St. Anne's Hospice. Now that I am nearly 40 and looking back on them, the value to my character and maturation was clear. My three children will have the same opportunity I had. You can take that to the bank.

This Christmas, look for opportunities to give to others the immeasurable gifts of your time and talent. Being better in life is not a one-sided endeavor. Just imagine the possibilities when you give away that which you have in abundance and of which will never run out!

I'd love to hear from you. What are some of the ways you have given of yourself? How did the experience affect you? If you have a Twitter account, please consider following me and/or use the hashtag #Others when tweeting your ideas.

More to come, but in the meantime, Happy Holidays!

What 5th Grade Band Taught Me

Just about 2 hours ago as I write this, I came home from my oldest daughter's first ever elementary band concert. I was sitting in the middle of the second row and brimming with pride as my daughter played a little horn solo on "Jingle Bells." Listening to the concert, I was transported back to another time in my life, a long time ago...

The year was 1983. I was seated in the back row of the Winona, Minnesota Public Schools all city 5th Grade Band Concert. In front of me was a tuba mounted in a metal support stand, my lesson book, and about 100 other nervous ten year olds.

My first band concert etched itself into my memory for a few reasons. To begin with, it was the first time I was on stage performing for anybody. Second, there was a trip to Dairy Queen afterward, and I remembered most of those growing up. Third, and probably most importantly, I could barely read or keep up with the music.

I still remember the sounds we made that night, especially the group's performance of "At Perrot's Door," a.k.a "Grandfather Clock." The band was playing in unison (mostly) with the sole tuba player (me) in the back improvising and riffing on a theme that loosely resembled that which the rest of the band was playing. It sounded goooooood (to my 10 year old ears). That concert for me was the embodiment of the phrase "fake it till you make it." Looking back, I don't know how the heck I made it off the stage without being horse collared by my band director and asked to turn in my mouthpiece. Boy, was he patient!

Flash forward again to November, 2012. I arrived to the concert just in the nick of time because just 30 minutes before, I was teaching some of my own tuba students. You see, now I am that band director who refrains from asking students to turn in their mouthpieces (sometimes with a GREAT deal of self control) and I am also that private lesson teacher who helps some of the rhythmically challenged low brass players in my area count and play to their best ability. Not only that, but I also have the privilege of helping my daughter with the horn when I can.

Here's what I learned from tying these two experiences together: A person's life could very well be changed by your simple interactions with them. My fifth grade band director could have easily suggested to my parents that I give up the tuba. Because he didn't, I was given an opportunity to grow in music to the point where I am now a teacher effecting the lives of hundreds of young people in a (hopefully) positive way. My world could have very different were it not for the patience of my first band director. So as you begin each morning, remember that that could very well be the day that a life changes course positively because of you.

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