Accident or Design

It occurs to me that our days tend to unfold in one of two ways: by accident or by design.

This struck me after looking back on a recent summer weekday and realizing I had done nothing but float around the house like a half-filled helium balloon: doing a chore here, playing with the kids there, checking email every 20 minutes, thinking about work with no particular purpose in mind, reading a little.

Wow. In the grand scheme of things, I thought, I have done nothing to add value to my life today, and it was by accident. I wasn't intentional. I just existed.

Don't get me wrong, this kind of living has its place. Occasionally, and on purpose. Making a choice to "decompress" or "disconnect" can be a good mental break. But when there exists no purpose to what we do, we have no purpose.

I like to make lists. Lists keep me honest and directed. My usual routine is to make a list in the morning for my day. However, in an effort to quell the recent malaise that has beset me, the teacher in summertime, I recently began writing out to-do lists for the next day as I sit enjoying Netflix in the evening. This little shift has set up my tomorrows much more successfully. I wake up with intention (today it was to start at 5:30 AM with a 30 mile bike ride), and move on to other goals (like writing this post). No floating unless I designed part of my day that way.

Ultimately, we have control over ourselves. That's it. Small steps like setting a few little goals and intentionally designing tomorrow to move ourselves closer to those goals will lead to bigger and bigger things. Avoid accidents with better design.

Talk Positive to Me!

If I'm not careful, I can be a pretty negative talker. I can get down on the person I talk to the most, and can be a brutally negative force in his life. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true.

And that person is me. All of us carry on more conversations with ourselves than with any other person. Of all the continual banter going on between the ears, a good portion of it can be quite negative.

• I'm not going to do well...
• I'm not ready for...
• I'm too this or I'm too that.
• I can't....
• This is too hard...
• I don't want...

A student who does well in her classes and studies hard for a big test may walk into the classroom on test day saying things like "I hope I do well. I'm not a good test taker." Or "I don't want to bomb this too badly!" That negative self talk programs the mind to go in the opposite direction of the desired result. Of course she wants to do well! In an attempt to lower expectations in her mind to cushion the blow of a possible lower grade, she is opening the door to poor performance. Instead, walking into the classroom with an attitude of "I got this!" leaves no room for negativity.

On the golf course, a golfer tees up the ball and promptly hooks it into the lake. Walking back the the cart he exclaims loudly, "I knew I was going to do that!" (In the interest of full disclosure, I have done AND said this a few times over the years...) Well goodness. If he knew he was going to do it while standing over the ball, why didn't he back away, set his mind on the positive thought of hitting it down the middle of the fairway, and let it rip? I can attest that clearing negative self talk usually works in this case!

To go one step further, imagine all your negative self talk and doubt projected externally to other people. Yuck! Why do you think it is that we can be so outwardly positive but so inwardly negative?
 
Keep your head full of positive information and positive messages. It takes work, but keep your noggin full of ideas from positive and motivating people. As Zig Ziglar was fond of saying, you are who you are and where you are because of what you've put into your head.

Read good books, read the Bible, find inspiration and keep the negative self talk at bay. in doing this, you will be able to more easily recognize then repell negative self talk when it creeps into your head.

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What Will Be Your Legacy?

Legacy: [LEG-uh-see] anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor.

I am about half way through my career as a music educator. The school year is about to begin, and I am reflecting more this year upon where I have been and where I am going. In a previous post I waxed nostalgic about turning 40, and wrote about my optimism for what lies ahead. But what WILL lie ahead? How will I shape it? Who and what will shape me? No matter your age or profession, these are deep and important questions to ponder.

We are the sum of our experiences, and the resulting wisdom of that tally influences the choices we make today. I can't help but think that if I can approach each day as another opportunity to build my own personal legacy, I will be a better person.  

Legacies take many shapes and come in many different flavors. An elderly woman may leave behind a legacy of inspiring work for the poor upon her passing (Mother Teresa). An elderly man may leave behind a strong, principled family that goes on to dominate a country's political life (Joseph Kennedy). A misguided egomaniac can leave a path of death and destruction for millions of people who do not share his beliefs (Hitler, Mao, Pol Pot, Slobodan Milosovic.) A math teacher in Lincoln, Nebraska can ignite generations of young minds to love math and the discipline it brings the mind (my wife's teaching icon, Mrs. Penner).

There are any number of people in your own sphere of awareness (living or not) whose life legacy resonates in yours. Further, your existence not only has the ability to leave a legacy, but WILL leave a legacy for others (if it hasn't already!)

Every decision you have made and will make continues your personal legacy design process. If you're not happy with your progress or how it might look right now, there is time to change it! Unfortunately, however, we don't know how much time we have until our life's legacy project will come due. Avoiding procrastination in legacy building is in all our best interests!

Care for the Caretakers

Did you know that many times one of the dirtiest parts of the kitchen is the sink? Seems counterintuitive, doesn't it; the place where the cups, plates, silverware and pans are washed is sometimes the dirtiest.

However, after finishing the pots and pans, we often pull the drain plug and walk away. Residue is left behind that we may not see. After a few days of repeating the same cycle, there might be some light stains on the steel of the sink or a little discoloration on the porcelain.

The sink has done its job, but in the process, it got dirty and we didn't notice right away. Effort by an outside force must be made to clean the sink after it has done its job.

All this ran through my head as I did dishes today. This summer, the high school band that I teach lost two students. One, a 2012 graduate, in a tragic accident and one, a junior to be, to a suicide. It has been tough for students, parents and teachers. Very tough.

In my role as a teacher, I try my hardest to be there for my students in good times and in bad. I believe this is just as important to them (and me) as effectiveness in the classroom. I know I'm not alone. I have surrounded myself with colleagues and friends in the profession who I know do and believe the same thing.

When tragedies occur in our school system, parents and teachers work together to make sure our students make it through the emotional struggle with the help they need. We give our best effort to help our students cope.

Now, here's the parallel between these two seemingly unrelated things... Those in need of care are the "dishes." The caretakers are the "sinks."

Caretakers must be taken care of too. If you are a caretaker, remember you are just as vulnerable, just as emotional, just as human as those whom you care for. Ask for help or accept it when offered. If you know a caretaker, offer encouragement, a shoulder or an ear. It will be appreciated.

 

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No More Going Through the Motions

As I was driving in to work this morning listening to music from the local Christian rock station, Matthew West's song "The Motions" came on. I never heard it before, but it spoke to me immediately.

I want to "be better" in this life for lots of reasons, as I'm sure you do too. This chart from 2009 sums up where I am right now, what I'm thinking, and where I'm hoping to be.

This is my new theme song. See if it speaks you the same way, too.

Matthew West, "The Motions"

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break

At least I'll be feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind 

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions 

I don't wanna go one more day

Without your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way

(Take me all the way)

Take me all the way

(‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions)

Take me all the way

(Lord, I'm finally feeling something real)

Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way

(Take me all the way)

Take me all the way

(I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)

Take me all the way

(Through the motions)

Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

How Guilt Can Zap Your Desire to Be Better (And What to Do About It)

I've wrestled lately with what I've noticed is a distracting and potentially debilitating side effect of the desire to become a better person, parent, spouse, son or daughter, mentor, teacher, colleague, friend, blogger, etc.: guilt.

I believe the feeling of guilt is derived from the lack of clarity of our life's priorities. How we can work on one part of our life while maintaining balance in another demands clarity of purpose and direction. The deeper we dip into becoming better at living intentionally, the more important the need for this clarity becomes. Without clarity, we begin to wonder if our internal GPS will take us to the right place, and doubt can lead to guilt that another potentially more important part of our life is being neglected.

We all have this issue bouncing around in our heads from time to time, and I believe it's a healthy side effect of living intentionally – as long as we realize that this feeling should be addressed as soon as possible. Constant reflection upon our priorities and how we act upon them is vital and necessary. After all, small corrections in our course over time will get us to where we want to go.

Keeping the most important priorities in the forefront of our daily journey is vital to reducing the guilt that flows from self-doubt.

The parable below has been a part of my thinking on this subject for a long time. I am not sure where I first read it or heard it told, but it illustrates the point I am trying to make here well.

One day, an old professor of the School of Public Management in France, was invited to lecture on the topic of “Efficient Time Management” in front of a group of 15 executive managers representing the largest, most successful companies in America. The lecture was one in a series of 5 lectures conducted in one day, and the old professor was given 1 hr to lecture. 

Standing in front of this group of elite managers, who were willing to write down every word that would come out of the famous professor’s mouth, the professor slowly met eyes with each manager, one by one, and finally said, “we are going to conduct an experiment”. 

From under the table that stood between the professor and the listeners, the professor pulled out a big glass jar and gently placed it in front of him. Next, he pulled out from under the table a bag of stones, each the size of a tennis ball, and placed the stones one by one in the jar. He did so until there was no room to add another stone in the jar. Lifting his gaze to the managers, the professor asked, “Is the jar full?” The managers replied, “Yes”. 

The professor paused for a moment, and replied, “Really?” 

Once again, he reached under the table and pulled out a bag full of pebbles. Carefully, the professor poured the pebbles in and slightly rattled the jar, allowing the pebbles to slip through the larger stones, until they settled at the bottom. Again, the professor lifted his gaze to his audience and asked, “Is the jar full?” 

At this point, the managers began to understand his intentions. One replied, “apparently not!” 

“Correct”, replied the old professor, now pulling out a bag of sand from under the table. 

Cautiously, the professor poured the sand into the jar. The sand filled up the spaces between the stones and the pebbles. 

Yet again, the professor asked, “Is the jar full?”  

Without hesitation, the entire group of students replied in unison, “NO!” 

“Correct”, replied the professor. And as was expected by the students, the professor reached for the pitcher of water that was on the table, and poured water in the jar until it was absolutely full. The professor now lifted his gaze once again and asked, “What great truth can we surmise from this experiment?” 

With his thoughts on the lecture topic, one manager quickly replied, “We learn that as full as our schedules may appear, if we only increase our effort, it is always possible to add more meetings and tasks.” 

“No”, replied the professor. The great truth that we can conclude from this experiment is:
If we don’t put all the larger stones in the jar first, we will never be able to fit all of them later.
The auditorium fell silent, as every manager processed the significance of the professor’s words in their entirety. 

The old professor continued, “What are the large stones in your life? Health? Family? Friends? Your goals? Doing what you love? Fighting for a Cause? Taking time for yourself?” 

What we must remember is that it is most important to include the lager stones in our lives, because if we don’t do so, we are likely to miss out on life altogether. If we give priority to the smaller things in life (pebbles & sand), our lives will be filled up with less important things, leaving little or no time for the things in our lives that are most important to us. Because of this, never forget to ask yourself, 

What are the Large Stones in your Life? 

And once you identify them, be sure to put them first in your “Jar of Life”. 

With a warm wave of his hand, the professor bid farewell to the managers, and slowly walked out of the room.

Take care of the large stones first – the things that REALLY matter. Set your priorities. The rest are just pebbles and sand. If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there will be no room left for the stones.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for things that are truly most important.

Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Take time to play with your children. Take your partner out for dinner. Take time to have a chat with your loved ones. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house and give a dinner party.

Sometimes the less important things in life can distract us, filling up our time and keeping us away from what really matters. I encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself, is your jar of life full of sand & pebbles or is it filled with large stones?

A Personal Look at Turning 40

So I recently turned 40. Like most middle age birthdays that end in a zero, this one got me thinking about life and how I'm living it.

I really don't feel different... my warranty period still seems to be in effect: parts and pieces are still working well enough, thank you very much. No, what is different this time around is what is happening between my ears.

I've been reading more, thanks to a growing interest in personal development fed by book and blog reading, writing, Twitter, Facebook, and friends. This perspective is a great thing, since milestones like a 40^th birthday take on new meaning when viewed through the lens of life's journey.

The average life expectancy in the United States is 77.97 years. By my calculations, I am about half way through my tour on planet earth. A lot has happened since my birth, of course, all of which has led me to where I am now. You are in the same boat, too. We are all a sum of our experiences and choices.

As I look ahead to the next 40 years, I am excited! When I think back on my life thus far, 40 years is a long time. A good chunk of it was spent just getting up to full speed in life and learning about living better.

Now that I'm moving rapidly down the road (passing milestones along the way), I have a better idea of what I want for me and those whom I love, I have many positive relationships in place, and I have a clear(ish) vision for my future. The pieces are in place! Time to ramp up and soar!   

You Could Be Your Own Worst Enemy

What is your performance potential? I'm guessing it's greater than you think. The bigger question you should ask yourself is “How much less can I interfere with my potential for greatness?”

Every day in my music classroom I work with highly talented teenagers. These young people have huge amounts of performance potential. Most have one or more of the following that contribute to their potential: natural ability, high levels of intelligence, desire and/or work ethic. The same holds true for the adults that I associate with at school and in my private life.

However, I think you'll agree that the percentage of people (and I count myself in this group) who fall short of consistently reaching their full potential is much closer to 100 than 0.

What gets in the way of fully realizing our potential? I argue that it is our inner conversation that interferes with doing our absolute best. We talk to ourselves thousands of times per day. Among all the mundane self-chatter is self-talk that either elevates or deflates us.

Deflating self talk like “I'm not good enough,” “I am not ready,” “I will make a mistake,” or “I am afraid of what others will think of me” robs us of our true potential.

In the mid 1940's Claude Bristol referred to the incredible power of positive self-talk in his book “The Magic of Believing.” Modern day “success coach” Tony Robbins teaches the positive power of what he calls “incantations” to change your life. Further, Dr. John Izzo writes about the concept of minimizing negative self influence in his most recent book “The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die.”

Years ago, I read “The Inner Game of Music” by Timothy Gallway. In it, he outlines an equation that has stuck with me and that I continue to use with students today:

Po-I=Pe

This equation sums up this blog post rather nicely. Our potential (Po) minus our self-interference (I) equals our performance (Pe). The closer we can move “I” to zero, the greater our performance will be. Further, if you were able to overwhelm negative self-interference with positive self talk, your performance could conceivably supersede your potential!

This will take an intentional effort and much practice, but on the quest to be a better person, it will be well worth it!

Are You An Energy Sucker?

Are you an energy giver or taker?

I had my hair cut today. Rather than wait for the stylist to start conversation like usual, I began with a simple "how are you today?" What ensued was a 15 minute discussion detailing much of what was wrong in her life at present: two family members in the hospital, a manager that treats his employees poorly, and a slow work day were just some of the highlights. I wanted to leave.

I believe we can sense when we are with someone who is environmentally energizing or someone who is de-energizing. We are naturally attracted to people who are vivacious, bubbly, engaging, smart, interested and giving. Similarly, if we ARE those people, others are drawn to us.

Think about a bank. At its simplest, you walk up to teller and either make a withdrawal or a deposit. Challenge yourself to move throughout your day conscious of whether you're withdrawing or depositing into the emotional and energy banks of people around you. And just like investing, the returns usually take time to be realized.

In my afternoon high school concert band rehearsals lately, I prod my students -- many of whom have sat passively in other classes for a good part of the day -- to use their instruments to send vibrant sound energy and personality into the room. I tell them that they are either adding or subtracting to the environment, so work to add positively to the room. My request has yet to fail in creating a better sound and better results!

So it is with emotional energy as well. You have the choice. Make the investment and choose wisely!

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Being Out of the Box, Part 3

As we close the "miniseries" on the great work by the Arbinger Institute, the thoughts below detail how we can stay out of the box and help to invite positive change in others.

Our way of being rules over all.

What do we mean by "way of being"? In fact, it means the way of being with others, the way we are in relationship. Human beings are social beings, and we know ourselves in comparison with and through the eyes of others. Our "self-image" is really a "self-image-in-relationship-with-others."

As I've pointed out in a prevoius post, there are two ways of seeing others: as persons (out of the box), or as objects (in the box).

• As persons: we see people as persons when we recognize their uniqueness just like ours, with their flaws and qualities, just like ours, with desires, hopes, doubts and concerns, just like ours - in short, when we acknowledge all the richness of their humanity.
• As objects: we see people as objects when we "de-personalize" them, for example when we reduce them to a category (an American, an Arab, a Rich), to a role (a Customer, a Clerk, a Politician), or just to a quality (a Jerk, a Snob, an Inconsiderate Neighbor). There are three ways of seeing a person as object: as an obstacle ("my Needy Husband is making my life a burden!"), as a vehicle ("this Client will hopefully sign the contract and make me rich."), or as an irrelevancy ("I never bothered talking to this Idiot...").

Staying out of the box

If you think about it, you are most likely not "in the box" with everyone you know. Probably one of the most effective ways to climb out of the box is to reflect on how you relate to people you know you appreciate and see as people, and try hard to transfer that mindset to others that you struggle with. Continually being aware of how you interact with people is key.

I recently had separate discussions with two students who were at odds with each other... it happens in the band room from time to time. I asked each how they thought the other perceived them. After getting some good honest answers (not nice, overbearing, inconsiderate), I asked if those adjectives were accurate to how they thought of themselves. Of course, the answer was no. We then briefly discussed why the other would think the way they do. It was a round-about way of showing them that they were in the box toward each other.

After we identified issues of conflict, I asked each to list some qualities about the other that they admired. Each was again honest (hard working, generous, funny). To tie things up, I challenged each student to think of those things they admired about the other during future interactions. When I follow up soon, hopefully, there will be some positive movement in their relationship!

Inviting change in others

If we think about it, we cannot make people change; we can only invite them to change. They decide, in the end, whether they accept the invitation.

We focus on "correcting what's wrong"...

Dealing with what is going wrong is to focus on the problem we see in others - it means correcting, criticizing, fixing, disciplining, punishing, etc. Does it often work when you tell someone he should be different? Have you often changed after someone told you how wrong you were?

 

Sometimes yes, you might say. But it's likely that most of the time, it doesn't work. What to do then? Well in my experience, we tend to keep trying harder, louder, longer, hoping that one day, he will get it!

That's the classic pattern, and that's how conflicts tend to get entrenched.

...And forget to "help things go right"

There is nothing wrong about wanting others to change, but if "dealing with what's going wrong" doesn't work, it is usually because we have been doing it at the expense of helping things go right. As the pyramid diagram shows, in order to invite change, helping things go right is the biggest part of the work. There are several parts to it, and that's where we need to spend most of our time and energy.

In simple terms, it is to say that we have more chance to invite change in someone if we approach her without resentment, if we have built a relationship with her and her friends/family, if we have listened and learnt from her, and if we explain clearly the change we want to invite. Is that really surprising?

If it doesn't work, look deeper

The secret of the Peacemaking Pyramid is that it prompts us to look for solutions to a problem at a deeper level than the one the problem seems to be at. The answer to a problem at one level of the pyramid lies at the level below.

• If my attempts to correct you fail, I need to look at the way I am communicating and explaining what I want - am I being clear? Am I giving a consistent rationale for what I want?
• If my communicating and teaching fail, I need to look at my listening and learning from you. There is little chance you will listen to my teaching if I don't even try to understand your perspective. If your concerns are not included in my understanding of the situation, why would you listen to me?
• Even if I'm open to listen to your concerns, you may not bother share them with me if you don't like or respect me. I then need to focus on building a stronger relationship with you, it's a necessary condition.
• It is possible that my attempts to influence you are unsuccessful not because you are closed, but because you have people with influence around you (parents, friends, co-workers, etc.) pushing you in the other direction. I may need to also build a relationship with people around you, in order to make them part of the change too, or their influence will be too strong for you to swim against the current.
• If you are not receptive to my influence in spite of all the above conditions being met, something more fundamental might be missing. Of course, it can be that you just don't like the change I invite in you. But it can also be that I am not inviting it from a deep desire to help you, in which case you may be defensive against my deeper intentions. I therefore need to look at my "way of being:" do I really come to you with a heart at peace? Let's explore this point in more depth in the following section.

Our "Way of being" colors the world

The first and most fundamental step for helping things go right is to obtain a heart at peace. It is not so much the actions we take that invite war, but the way we are while taking them. The same action can be done from a heart at peace or a heart at war. Inviting the other to change with a heart at war, even if you are right about the thing to change, is likely to provoke a defensive reaction. If the dishes need to be done and you are nagged to do them because you are focused on another task you deem more important, your natural tendency is to eventally do the dishes, but perhaps with resentment. Your heart is at war with the person who nagged.

What determines which way we see someone? Simply, our choice.

I cannot more strongly recommend The Anatomy of Peace to you. When you truly want to dig deeper and work to become a better person, this book will be a wonderful, effective jumping-off point.

 

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What Kung Fu Panda and an Ancient Poem Have in Common

 

As Master Oogway said in the animated film "Kung Fu Panda," 

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called "The Present." 

Profound words, especially coming from an old turtle. I'm fairly sure this quote came from somewhere else, as the "Kung Fu Panda" writers were probably not philosophers. Nonetheless, I have found that this is but one of the solid life lessons to be learned in that movie. My kids have seen it about 30 times and I don't mind one bit!

There is a set of verses I came across a few months ago that serve to amplify that saying above. If you have never heard, read or experienced this ancient Indian poem, "Salutation to the Dawn," I think you will find that it brings to the fore the very idea of living each day to the fullest. From the time this poem was written to today, the thought of living life to the fullest must resonate if we are to thrive. 

The joy of self discovery begins when you simply start to look. The more I look, the more I find the path I take twists and turns in unexpected directions. For example, I found this poem recently while reading Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People of all places. I would have never read this book had it not been for another I read before, and I would have never read that one had it not been for another...you get the idea.

This path is one I hope you find yourself on as well!

Here's the poem:

Look to this day!

For it is life, the very life of life.

In its brief course

Lie all the verities and realities of your existence:

The bliss of growth

The glory of action

The splendor of beauty.

For yesterday is but a dream

And tomorrow only a vision

But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore to this day!

Such is the salutation to the dawn.

- Kalidasa, Indian Poet

Harvey Enders composed music to accompany this poem. If you have five minutes to be inspired by song today, listen below. 

Here's to living today to the fullest!