One Foolproof Way to Get Your Kids Talking

Top Ten lists are quite popular. I thought about holding on to the idea for this article until I had nine more to go with it, but I'll throw caution to the wind and shrink that top ten list down to a "Top One." With kids all over the country starting back to school and dinner tables needing conversation starters, here is the number one way my wife and I get our kids to talk about their day...

... Insert drum roll... (I'm a band director. I can't help it.) ...

We Ask Questions.

What? That's it? Yep.

You see, what I realized at dinner sometime last year was that the asking part of "asking questions" is simple. "How was your day?" or "What did you do today?" are the perennial, no-thought-to-them greatest hits of question-asking. Unfortunately, those kinds of general questions usually get one kind of general response:

 "How was your day?" "Fine."
"What did you do today?" "We did some math, we had recess, we ate lunch..."

However, it is the "what" that we ask that can drastically improve the answers we receive. In my case, when I started asking questions that focused on one specific adjective, my children told my wife and I a whole bunch more than they would have otherwise volunteered. These adjectives don't need to have anything to do with school. As a matter of fact, it is probably better that they don't:

What did you do today that was fast?
What did you do today that was dark?
What did you do today that was rough?
What did you do that made you think?
What was sweet today?
What did you do today that was loud?
What did you do today that was tiny?
Etc. Etc. Etc.

Open ended questions like these are fun for kids to answer because they can be creative with their answers. My wife and I never know how they will reply. Not only that, but many times asking one of these questions is the beginning of a mini conversation that continues for quite a long time.

For example, when we recently asked my 6th grader "What did you do today that was dark?" she answered that the lights were turned off in her health classroom for a video. From there, she told us what the video was about, and that a boy clear across the room that had passed-gas rather loudly. From there the tangents flew from all five of us nearly as fast as that 6th grade boy's flatulence, and we had a great time as a family.

There is one caveat in asking these types of questions, though. By their nature, adjectives can describe more than one thing or event. Avoid boxing in your child's response when they ask questions like "What do you mean by 'shiny?'" Encourage them to answer however they want to. Asking "What was shiny today" could result in answers ranging from an art project to a teacher's bald head. It's all good. Ask your questions without preconceived notions.

I encourage you to give these kinds of questions a try. Ask as many as you can each night. You will be surprised at what you find out!

How do you get your kids talking about their day? Please leave your ideas below in the comments section!

What Will Be Your Legacy?

Legacy: [LEG-uh-see] anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor.

I am about half way through my career as a music educator. The school year is about to begin, and I am reflecting more this year upon where I have been and where I am going. In a previous post I waxed nostalgic about turning 40, and wrote about my optimism for what lies ahead. But what WILL lie ahead? How will I shape it? Who and what will shape me? No matter your age or profession, these are deep and important questions to ponder.

We are the sum of our experiences, and the resulting wisdom of that tally influences the choices we make today. I can't help but think that if I can approach each day as another opportunity to build my own personal legacy, I will be a better person.  

Legacies take many shapes and come in many different flavors. An elderly woman may leave behind a legacy of inspiring work for the poor upon her passing (Mother Teresa). An elderly man may leave behind a strong, principled family that goes on to dominate a country's political life (Joseph Kennedy). A misguided egomaniac can leave a path of death and destruction for millions of people who do not share his beliefs (Hitler, Mao, Pol Pot, Slobodan Milosovic.) A math teacher in Lincoln, Nebraska can ignite generations of young minds to love math and the discipline it brings the mind (my wife's teaching icon, Mrs. Penner).

There are any number of people in your own sphere of awareness (living or not) whose life legacy resonates in yours. Further, your existence not only has the ability to leave a legacy, but WILL leave a legacy for others (if it hasn't already!)

Every decision you have made and will make continues your personal legacy design process. If you're not happy with your progress or how it might look right now, there is time to change it! Unfortunately, however, we don't know how much time we have until our life's legacy project will come due. Avoiding procrastination in legacy building is in all our best interests!

Care for the Caretakers

Did you know that many times one of the dirtiest parts of the kitchen is the sink? Seems counterintuitive, doesn't it; the place where the cups, plates, silverware and pans are washed is sometimes the dirtiest.

However, after finishing the pots and pans, we often pull the drain plug and walk away. Residue is left behind that we may not see. After a few days of repeating the same cycle, there might be some light stains on the steel of the sink or a little discoloration on the porcelain.

The sink has done its job, but in the process, it got dirty and we didn't notice right away. Effort by an outside force must be made to clean the sink after it has done its job.

All this ran through my head as I did dishes today. This summer, the high school band that I teach lost two students. One, a 2012 graduate, in a tragic accident and one, a junior to be, to a suicide. It has been tough for students, parents and teachers. Very tough.

In my role as a teacher, I try my hardest to be there for my students in good times and in bad. I believe this is just as important to them (and me) as effectiveness in the classroom. I know I'm not alone. I have surrounded myself with colleagues and friends in the profession who I know do and believe the same thing.

When tragedies occur in our school system, parents and teachers work together to make sure our students make it through the emotional struggle with the help they need. We give our best effort to help our students cope.

Now, here's the parallel between these two seemingly unrelated things... Those in need of care are the "dishes." The caretakers are the "sinks."

Caretakers must be taken care of too. If you are a caretaker, remember you are just as vulnerable, just as emotional, just as human as those whom you care for. Ask for help or accept it when offered. If you know a caretaker, offer encouragement, a shoulder or an ear. It will be appreciated.

 

Posted with Blogsy

Email the Snail Way

I've noticed lately that people want things from me immediately. Usually because of email, immediate responses seem to be the norm rather than the exception. Quite often I oblige and work diligently and quickly to shoot out response after response. Whether or not those responses are the best and measured answers to questions doesn't always occur to me....

... and bad or hasty decisions are usually more trouble than they're worth.

I've been slowly working my way through the great book by Doris Kearns Goodwin called "A Team of Rivals." In this wonderfully researched and presented history, Kearns Goodwin details the life of Abraham Lincoln and those people whom he both competed against (the Rivals) and later asked to join his cabinet (the Team).

The book is written using letters and first hand accounts from people surrounding Lincoln and his election to the presidency. What strikes me most as I read is the pace at which the communication happens.

One of the nice things about living in the era before email and immediate communication was that people took time to think about what they were going to say and think about how they were going to say it. The patience that would then follow -- as letters galloped across the countryside and back again -- would drive us nuts today.

And it's rare to have that patience anymore.

I've read suggestions from others about managing our intake of data. One of those suggestions is to limit our email use to once or perhaps twice per day, setting aside certain times to answer the notes filling our inbox.

I can imagine changing a habit such as checking email would be quite difficult. However I can certainly see the potential upside to this. My life at work could slow down and become more effective. On the other hand, I realize that the people on the other end of the email chain may not be as patient as I might be. This could undoubtedly cause problems.

So what's the answer? I think the best solution is somewhere in the middle of an instantaneous response and waiting for the Pony Express to arrive. When going through emails, why not answer those mundane emails that don't require much thought first, and then cycle back to the more heavier involved-thought questions? And even then, perhaps you will need to give a response a good bit more time (or pick up the phone.)

An email response to a heavier request perhaps later that afternoon or the following day is OK. Life was pretty successful for thousands of years before computers and email. It will probably be okay if that response happens in six hours or 6 seconds.

And perhaps taking the time to think through a response in those six hours will save you that much in headache later.

Posted with Blogsy

No More Going Through the Motions

As I was driving in to work this morning listening to music from the local Christian rock station, Matthew West's song "The Motions" came on. I never heard it before, but it spoke to me immediately.

I want to "be better" in this life for lots of reasons, as I'm sure you do too. This chart from 2009 sums up where I am right now, what I'm thinking, and where I'm hoping to be.

This is my new theme song. See if it speaks you the same way, too.

Matthew West, "The Motions"

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break

At least I'll be feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind 

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions 

I don't wanna go one more day

Without your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way

(Take me all the way)

Take me all the way

(‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions)

Take me all the way

(Lord, I'm finally feeling something real)

Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 

What if I had given everything 

Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way

(Take me all the way)

Take me all the way

(I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)

Take me all the way

(Through the motions)

Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

How Guilt Can Zap Your Desire to Be Better (And What to Do About It)

I've wrestled lately with what I've noticed is a distracting and potentially debilitating side effect of the desire to become a better person, parent, spouse, son or daughter, mentor, teacher, colleague, friend, blogger, etc.: guilt.

I believe the feeling of guilt is derived from the lack of clarity of our life's priorities. How we can work on one part of our life while maintaining balance in another demands clarity of purpose and direction. The deeper we dip into becoming better at living intentionally, the more important the need for this clarity becomes. Without clarity, we begin to wonder if our internal GPS will take us to the right place, and doubt can lead to guilt that another potentially more important part of our life is being neglected.

We all have this issue bouncing around in our heads from time to time, and I believe it's a healthy side effect of living intentionally – as long as we realize that this feeling should be addressed as soon as possible. Constant reflection upon our priorities and how we act upon them is vital and necessary. After all, small corrections in our course over time will get us to where we want to go.

Keeping the most important priorities in the forefront of our daily journey is vital to reducing the guilt that flows from self-doubt.

The parable below has been a part of my thinking on this subject for a long time. I am not sure where I first read it or heard it told, but it illustrates the point I am trying to make here well.

One day, an old professor of the School of Public Management in France, was invited to lecture on the topic of “Efficient Time Management” in front of a group of 15 executive managers representing the largest, most successful companies in America. The lecture was one in a series of 5 lectures conducted in one day, and the old professor was given 1 hr to lecture. 

Standing in front of this group of elite managers, who were willing to write down every word that would come out of the famous professor’s mouth, the professor slowly met eyes with each manager, one by one, and finally said, “we are going to conduct an experiment”. 

From under the table that stood between the professor and the listeners, the professor pulled out a big glass jar and gently placed it in front of him. Next, he pulled out from under the table a bag of stones, each the size of a tennis ball, and placed the stones one by one in the jar. He did so until there was no room to add another stone in the jar. Lifting his gaze to the managers, the professor asked, “Is the jar full?” The managers replied, “Yes”. 

The professor paused for a moment, and replied, “Really?” 

Once again, he reached under the table and pulled out a bag full of pebbles. Carefully, the professor poured the pebbles in and slightly rattled the jar, allowing the pebbles to slip through the larger stones, until they settled at the bottom. Again, the professor lifted his gaze to his audience and asked, “Is the jar full?” 

At this point, the managers began to understand his intentions. One replied, “apparently not!” 

“Correct”, replied the old professor, now pulling out a bag of sand from under the table. 

Cautiously, the professor poured the sand into the jar. The sand filled up the spaces between the stones and the pebbles. 

Yet again, the professor asked, “Is the jar full?”  

Without hesitation, the entire group of students replied in unison, “NO!” 

“Correct”, replied the professor. And as was expected by the students, the professor reached for the pitcher of water that was on the table, and poured water in the jar until it was absolutely full. The professor now lifted his gaze once again and asked, “What great truth can we surmise from this experiment?” 

With his thoughts on the lecture topic, one manager quickly replied, “We learn that as full as our schedules may appear, if we only increase our effort, it is always possible to add more meetings and tasks.” 

“No”, replied the professor. The great truth that we can conclude from this experiment is:
If we don’t put all the larger stones in the jar first, we will never be able to fit all of them later.
The auditorium fell silent, as every manager processed the significance of the professor’s words in their entirety. 

The old professor continued, “What are the large stones in your life? Health? Family? Friends? Your goals? Doing what you love? Fighting for a Cause? Taking time for yourself?” 

What we must remember is that it is most important to include the lager stones in our lives, because if we don’t do so, we are likely to miss out on life altogether. If we give priority to the smaller things in life (pebbles & sand), our lives will be filled up with less important things, leaving little or no time for the things in our lives that are most important to us. Because of this, never forget to ask yourself, 

What are the Large Stones in your Life? 

And once you identify them, be sure to put them first in your “Jar of Life”. 

With a warm wave of his hand, the professor bid farewell to the managers, and slowly walked out of the room.

Take care of the large stones first – the things that REALLY matter. Set your priorities. The rest are just pebbles and sand. If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there will be no room left for the stones.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for things that are truly most important.

Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Take time to play with your children. Take your partner out for dinner. Take time to have a chat with your loved ones. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house and give a dinner party.

Sometimes the less important things in life can distract us, filling up our time and keeping us away from what really matters. I encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself, is your jar of life full of sand & pebbles or is it filled with large stones?

A Personal Look at Turning 40

So I recently turned 40. Like most middle age birthdays that end in a zero, this one got me thinking about life and how I'm living it.

I really don't feel different... my warranty period still seems to be in effect: parts and pieces are still working well enough, thank you very much. No, what is different this time around is what is happening between my ears.

I've been reading more, thanks to a growing interest in personal development fed by book and blog reading, writing, Twitter, Facebook, and friends. This perspective is a great thing, since milestones like a 40^th birthday take on new meaning when viewed through the lens of life's journey.

The average life expectancy in the United States is 77.97 years. By my calculations, I am about half way through my tour on planet earth. A lot has happened since my birth, of course, all of which has led me to where I am now. You are in the same boat, too. We are all a sum of our experiences and choices.

As I look ahead to the next 40 years, I am excited! When I think back on my life thus far, 40 years is a long time. A good chunk of it was spent just getting up to full speed in life and learning about living better.

Now that I'm moving rapidly down the road (passing milestones along the way), I have a better idea of what I want for me and those whom I love, I have many positive relationships in place, and I have a clear(ish) vision for my future. The pieces are in place! Time to ramp up and soar!