Being Out of the Box, Part 3

As we close the "miniseries" on the great work by the Arbinger Institute, the thoughts below detail how we can stay out of the box and help to invite positive change in others.

Our way of being rules over all.

What do we mean by "way of being"? In fact, it means the way of being with others, the way we are in relationship. Human beings are social beings, and we know ourselves in comparison with and through the eyes of others. Our "self-image" is really a "self-image-in-relationship-with-others."

As I've pointed out in a prevoius post, there are two ways of seeing others: as persons (out of the box), or as objects (in the box).

• As persons: we see people as persons when we recognize their uniqueness just like ours, with their flaws and qualities, just like ours, with desires, hopes, doubts and concerns, just like ours - in short, when we acknowledge all the richness of their humanity.
• As objects: we see people as objects when we "de-personalize" them, for example when we reduce them to a category (an American, an Arab, a Rich), to a role (a Customer, a Clerk, a Politician), or just to a quality (a Jerk, a Snob, an Inconsiderate Neighbor). There are three ways of seeing a person as object: as an obstacle ("my Needy Husband is making my life a burden!"), as a vehicle ("this Client will hopefully sign the contract and make me rich."), or as an irrelevancy ("I never bothered talking to this Idiot...").

Staying out of the box

If you think about it, you are most likely not "in the box" with everyone you know. Probably one of the most effective ways to climb out of the box is to reflect on how you relate to people you know you appreciate and see as people, and try hard to transfer that mindset to others that you struggle with. Continually being aware of how you interact with people is key.

I recently had separate discussions with two students who were at odds with each other... it happens in the band room from time to time. I asked each how they thought the other perceived them. After getting some good honest answers (not nice, overbearing, inconsiderate), I asked if those adjectives were accurate to how they thought of themselves. Of course, the answer was no. We then briefly discussed why the other would think the way they do. It was a round-about way of showing them that they were in the box toward each other.

After we identified issues of conflict, I asked each to list some qualities about the other that they admired. Each was again honest (hard working, generous, funny). To tie things up, I challenged each student to think of those things they admired about the other during future interactions. When I follow up soon, hopefully, there will be some positive movement in their relationship!

Inviting change in others

If we think about it, we cannot make people change; we can only invite them to change. They decide, in the end, whether they accept the invitation.

We focus on "correcting what's wrong"...

Dealing with what is going wrong is to focus on the problem we see in others - it means correcting, criticizing, fixing, disciplining, punishing, etc. Does it often work when you tell someone he should be different? Have you often changed after someone told you how wrong you were?

 

Sometimes yes, you might say. But it's likely that most of the time, it doesn't work. What to do then? Well in my experience, we tend to keep trying harder, louder, longer, hoping that one day, he will get it!

That's the classic pattern, and that's how conflicts tend to get entrenched.

...And forget to "help things go right"

There is nothing wrong about wanting others to change, but if "dealing with what's going wrong" doesn't work, it is usually because we have been doing it at the expense of helping things go right. As the pyramid diagram shows, in order to invite change, helping things go right is the biggest part of the work. There are several parts to it, and that's where we need to spend most of our time and energy.

In simple terms, it is to say that we have more chance to invite change in someone if we approach her without resentment, if we have built a relationship with her and her friends/family, if we have listened and learnt from her, and if we explain clearly the change we want to invite. Is that really surprising?

If it doesn't work, look deeper

The secret of the Peacemaking Pyramid is that it prompts us to look for solutions to a problem at a deeper level than the one the problem seems to be at. The answer to a problem at one level of the pyramid lies at the level below.

• If my attempts to correct you fail, I need to look at the way I am communicating and explaining what I want - am I being clear? Am I giving a consistent rationale for what I want?
• If my communicating and teaching fail, I need to look at my listening and learning from you. There is little chance you will listen to my teaching if I don't even try to understand your perspective. If your concerns are not included in my understanding of the situation, why would you listen to me?
• Even if I'm open to listen to your concerns, you may not bother share them with me if you don't like or respect me. I then need to focus on building a stronger relationship with you, it's a necessary condition.
• It is possible that my attempts to influence you are unsuccessful not because you are closed, but because you have people with influence around you (parents, friends, co-workers, etc.) pushing you in the other direction. I may need to also build a relationship with people around you, in order to make them part of the change too, or their influence will be too strong for you to swim against the current.
• If you are not receptive to my influence in spite of all the above conditions being met, something more fundamental might be missing. Of course, it can be that you just don't like the change I invite in you. But it can also be that I am not inviting it from a deep desire to help you, in which case you may be defensive against my deeper intentions. I therefore need to look at my "way of being:" do I really come to you with a heart at peace? Let's explore this point in more depth in the following section.

Our "Way of being" colors the world

The first and most fundamental step for helping things go right is to obtain a heart at peace. It is not so much the actions we take that invite war, but the way we are while taking them. The same action can be done from a heart at peace or a heart at war. Inviting the other to change with a heart at war, even if you are right about the thing to change, is likely to provoke a defensive reaction. If the dishes need to be done and you are nagged to do them because you are focused on another task you deem more important, your natural tendency is to eventally do the dishes, but perhaps with resentment. Your heart is at war with the person who nagged.

What determines which way we see someone? Simply, our choice.

I cannot more strongly recommend The Anatomy of Peace to you. When you truly want to dig deeper and work to become a better person, this book will be a wonderful, effective jumping-off point.

 

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